The Llama Song

Has anyone ever heard The Llama Song?
Well, it goes a little something like this:
Baby llama, mama llama, mentally disturbed llama, happy llama, sad llama, pissed off llama!

All together now!

Woohoo! Good job.

The Epic Fail that is Transformers: Dark of the Moon

Okay, so who here has seen the latest Transformers movie?

Well...unfortanately, I have.

I'm sorry, but I just can't get on board with the whole robot drama thing. Or the fact that Shia LeBeouf seems incapable of speaking in a tone that is not a shriek, shout, or yell of any dimension. I mean really, come on Shia. You can do better than that.

I was sitting in the movie theater with a bunch of family members, watching this ridiculous over-two-hour-long movie, and I was just thinking: "Are they serious? Who goes for this stuff? There are so many things that are more constructive that I could be doing right now." I spent most of the robot fighting scenes thinking of all the things I could be doing besides wasting my life at this movie.

This is the list I came up with:

-Talking to my friends
-Riding/hanging out with my horse
-Cleaning my room
-Reading a book
-Coming up with a solution that could kill a zombie
-Finding a magical rainbow pony unicorn
-Praying to God that there is not another Transformers movie
-Praying to God that there is not another High School Musical movie
-Praying to God that Shia LeBeouf and Zac Efron never meet
-Creating a book about how to kidnap a celebrity
-Building a time machine, going forward to 2012, and seeing if the world actually does end (and seeing if the reason it ends is truly because the Decepticons took over the planet and Shia was not there to save the world and then make out with his girlfriend)

It was after that last thought that I was interrupted by a loud groan of despair from one of my younger family members, as he shielded his eyes and turned away from the sight of Shia sucking faces with Rosie Huntington-Whitely.

As I stood up and left the movie theater, I took a deep breath and said to my family, "Now that's two and a half hours of my life I'm never getting back."

Please, if you have any self-preservation or concern about your well-being at all, do NOT go and see Transformers. It is a waste of your life.

I just can't believe that the Transformers movies have made so much money on such a ridiculous plot - whoever devised it should go to prison for robbing so many people of their money.

Fairy Tales Are Not Suitable For Children, If You Think About It

Have you ever noticed that fairy tales are really inappropriate for kids?

I mean, really. They are violent and scary!

Beauty and the Beast, for example.
Love the story, it's a wonderful fairy tale, but the Beast pretty much dies before the happily ever after! Plus, the dad gets taken and held hostage. Belle gets attacked by wolves (and the wolves wound the Beast!). Not to mention she walks alone in the scary darkness inside the Beast's mansion.

Take Cinderella:
The classic love story - the ending is every girl's dream. But, child abuse much? The girl is forced to clean the house for the evil step mother and do all the dirty work for no money whatsoever, and I'll bet she's still a minor!

Oh, and The Little Mermaid?
Again, I love the story, the Little Mermaid is one of my favorites. But Ursula is a scary witch! Also, it is a violent story: many people get injured, including Ursula (She gets stabbed! Violence!). Ariel deals with a lot of peer pressure and bad influence - her sisters are all perfect, and she's the black sheep of the family,  Ursula makes her believe she has to be something other than herself to be worth anything, and it's just a bad situation all around. Also, there's a lot of cattiness and jealousy when Ursula transforms herself into a beautiful girl, steals (<--hello, not good!) Ariel's voice, and puts the prince under a spell so he'll love her.

How are fairytales so morbid? There are many that are much, much, much worse, but I will not post them for fear of upsetting the public!

I mean really, people, what's up with THAT?

Poking Things is a Good Way to See If They're Alive Or Not

If anybody knows me, they know that I am usually the one who will honk at a flock of geese, scream because I think a lock of my hair is a spider, and, when encountering an unknown species of something, suggest that it should be poked.

Well, just the other day, my friend (who loves unicorns, by the way) and I were playing wiffle ball for no reason, when we came upon a very strange-looking bug inside the garage.  After tilting our heads sufficiently and squinting at it, scratching our heads and trying to figure out what to do with it, I said to this friend of mine, "Poke it."

So my friend took the wiffle bat and did just that. The bug didn't move. So she poked it again. It moved a little. The next time she poked it, it fell onto the ground (it had been positioned on the wall of the garage) and lay there motionless.

"I KILLED IT!" she screamed, horrified. I tried to reassure her. "Poke it again and see if it moves!" I told her. But with a nudge of the wiffle bat, it still did not move.  "LIVE!" she cried, while still poking it, "LIVE!!!!!"

"It's probably just stunned," I declared. "That happens to bugs sometimes." So we left it alone and went on with our game.

About five minutes later, we ventured back into the garage to see if the bug was dead. My friend poked it with the bat again, and it moved!

"HE'S ALIVE!!!" we shrieked happily.
We tried to figure out what the heck a bug like that was doing in the garage. It was very weird-looking, and in my own mind I decided it was probably an alien that had come to spy on the humans in an effort to return to his home planet, tell the overlords, and have Earth destroyed. (My imagination tends to run away with me sometimes:P)

So, the moral of the story?

When in doubt, poke.